I could use some advice.

[Blurry]

It feels a bit strange posting about personal matters,
seeing as I am new to this community, but I needed
somewhere to reach out to. I'll try to keep it short
and to the point.

I'm pansexual. I came out to my parents when I got
together with my best friend from high school. It
was a large mix of "We told you so", "Just know that
we will always love you", and "It will take some time
to get used to it."

Here we are, nearly five years later and I have given
them all the patience and understanding that I can
bare to give. Not only are they (more specifically my
father) not used to it, but there have been large flare
ups recently where he has been attacking me verbally
and saying very hurtful things over it.

It's definitely at an angry head now, because after
nearly five years together, we are getting married
this week!

But this has led my father saying that if I go through
with this, then it obviously means that I do not love
him or my mother, and that I shouldn't have anything
else to do with him.

I have no other way to take that than him deciding to
disown me, correct? Either way, I am terribly broken
over the situation. I now I will cry like a baby when
the big day comes and none of my blood family will
be there.

What do I need advice on, you ask? Hm. I suppose I am
wondering if this should be the end of the line or if I
should continue pursuing a relationship with my father.
I am tired of being belittled and hurt by him, but I can't
help but to feel selfish for cutting off ties with my own
father.

[Tantra]

I haven't had much personal experience with this, but I can offer what I would do in your situation, to hopefully give you some help. I would try to see things from your father's perspective. Depending how old he is, he might've grown up during a time when society was not as accepting of people as they are today and he's kind of 'stuck', living in the past, with how he was raised/grew up. Trust me, my Dad is the same way with certain things. He sometimes seems to be stuck living in the 60's and 70's.

I think maybe your parents, like most other parents, assumed it was a 'phase' you were going through or something and they expected you to 'grow out of it'. So I think they never bothered taking the time to get accustomed to it or to even accept it, since they maybe thought it wouldn't be a long-term thing. Now that you're getting married (congrats to you both! ) they're starting to see that you're serious about this, this is who you are, your significant other is who you love and it's not 'just a phase' like they may have thought.

I don't agree with your father. He shouldn't be trying to hurt you, just because he doesn't agree with your decisions. It's your life, not his. Parents seem to think they can always control their kid's lives, no matter their age. And it's not fair at all for him to say that you marrying the person you love, means you don't love him or your mother. He must know that's not true and he's saying it to make you feel guilty and call off the wedding.

I wouldn't call it off. It's your life and you have every right to do what you want, be with who you love and be happy. If your parents can't accept who you love and be happy for you, then shame on them. If I were in your shoes, I'd go ahead with the wedding. Your parents aren't going to be there forever, so don't mold your entire life around what they want you to do. Your new partner in life will be there for you after they're gone and I would take that step to start the next part of your life.

As for feeling selfish, don't purposefully cut off ties with your father. Keep it open. Let him know that he's welcome to talk to you, visit you, etc, so long as he is respectful. If he can't be respectful, tell him he's being disrespectful. He probably won't change overnight, but as long as you keep contact with him, however little contact it may be, he might come to terms with it. If you get married and cut him off entirely, he might resent you for it, for a long while.

TL;DR: Go on, get married! Start your life with your partner but keep contact with your parents, even if it's limited contact.

Small bit more rambling:

Spoiler

Also, when my parents got married, my Dad's Mom despised my Mom, cause she's Christian and my Dad's Jewish. My Grandmother acted a lot like your Dad is acting now. But after the wedding, she came to terms with it and slowly got to know my Mom and they became closer, once my Grandmother accepted that she's the woman my Dad loves. I know it's not 100% the same as your situation, but it's similar.

[cicisi]

I would try to keep the possibility of him accepting you as you r but do NOT let him speak to you like that. You are your own person and an adult. Speak to him and be very clear about your intentions. People like him are toxic to you and your spouse and if you allow them to be a part of your life with no intentions to change, you will not be happy. Please if he can't accept you, leave him. But have u talked to the rest of your family? Just because he is like that does not mean the rest are.

[Blurry]

@Tantra -
Thank you very much for such a well thought out and sincere reply.
I understand that he raised during that time, but to me, that is not
an excuse. You are who you want to be. Not the person you were
raised to be. My fiance's mother lived in an even more homophobic
time period, but she learned to evolve with the times and love a
person for what they are. That being said, I suppose I will give it
more time to adjust. I could never imagine having him out of my
life completely, so unless he makes that decision for me, I will
continue to pursue his love and acceptance. Lowkey at least. I did
let him know that even if he doesn't believe it, I do love him very
much. I even let him know that he was more than welcome to come
to the wedding. Thanks again for the help, and for the congrats.
It means so much!
_____________________________________________

@cicisi
Thank you. I am an adult, and he does need to realize that just because
he is my father, does not mean he can intentionally disrespect for me.
I will stand up for myself.

[Tantra]

Of course! I hope things work out for you. And I agree; just because someone was raised a certain way, doesn't mean they can't adjust to the times. They just need to be open minded enough to do so. Hopefully he'll come around. As your father, your happiness should be one of his top priorities. Maybe after the wedding, he'll see how happy you are and start accepting it. If you ever wanna talk, you can always PM me.

[Blurry]

Well today was the big day. This is my dad -



I told him that I love him and he called me a liar.

[PeterCamenzind]

Well today was the big day. This is my dad -



I told him that I love him and he called me a liar.

Wow, your dad shows some mature behavior. Is that twitter or something? What the hell... You should really pay no attention to him. Just be happy with your loved one. You are going to spend your life with him so don't mind your parents.

[otterpop2242]

Well, If your parents disagree with you, (especially your dad,) You should just ignore it. Because if they aren't willing to understand, they are oblivious jerks (No offense) and just forget about them. They disowned you, anyway.

[puppiesrock8]

I am so dearly sorry you must go through this. You should have no reason to feel guilty. He moved on from his parents, married the person he loved, birthed you, and now you can get married, move on, create your future. Your father is quite immature about this, but you never know. maybe he was waiting your whole life for you to be straight, have a girlfriend, have kids, etc. and got a bit disappointed, that he was wrong. Tell your mother how you feel and what ideas you have to let out. She might be able to talk to your father. Like one of the earlier posts said, keep in touch with him. "happy birthday" "merry christmas" "how are you"

If he ever says that you're lying about loving him, just respond, "you know thats not true" or anything like " i wish you would believe me". I would honestly keep telling him and your mother how much you love them. I am so sorry life is so hard on you but don't give up. You're creating your future right now. Don't regret your choices you've already made. Those were the right ones.

[Vampyredragon]

All I can tell you is to try and keep conversation open. Its the best you can do. If your father tries insulting or harassing you just ignore what he's saying. If he's calling you names or whatever and you can't endure it just say 'I love you dad but I can't talk to you while you're acting like this' and then walk away/hang up the phone/click out of the social media page. Go snuggle with your love and watch a movie. Maybe go for a calming walk with your love. (If you play Pokemon go take the phone along ...catching some pokemon would help take your mind off the argument/fight/nasty words said)

All in all you need to get your point across to your father that you are an adult and as such are no longer under his roof and rule. Thus you can decide who to be with without his input.