Need Raters on short paragraph Story.

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Hi. Me and Bluestar21 had a contest on What name to pick. So We came up on how good our short paragraph story contest between ourselves and need a few Raters/commentors

Mine could be found here:
https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id ... eDQdqkpfE8


Bluestar21's is here:
23-roleplay-stage/102142-the-dark-heart ... #p11104794


so...which do you think is better?