GLBT- Straight - Relationships

[TxCat]

This thread provides a safe place to discuss GLBT/Straight relationships and issues. If you just want a place to chat or visit you should check out the GSA.

Some ground rules:

- If you are in a situation in which domestic violence is likely or has occurred, we can give you advice and support but we can't do much to help. You should look at finding local resources to help you out of your situation. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a good US-based resource and can provide 24/7 help as well as guiding you to local resources.

- No suicide threats, implied or implicit. If you are actively suicidal, try seeking professional help. Your local law enforcement and emergency services are better equipped to help than your fellow Magi. If all else fails, contact a suicide prevention hotline. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline can help talk you through your problems and get you local help.

- MS and HoS rules already cover this, but it bears repeating: no sexually explicit material. If you wouldn't find it in a sex education class or your local library, you probably shouldn't be posting it here.

- You do not have to declare your orientation but you're free to talk about any and all parts of it and your relationships. Everyone is welcome here.

Topics for consideration include but are not limited to:

- relationship and dating advice
- relationship and sexuality ethics
- questions about the various orientations, provided they are not intrusive, homophobic, or otherwise rude
- articles about handling relationships and dating issues
- personal experiences with lifestyles and relationships
- biological discussions on sexuality, sexual orientation, and gender orientation and development
- personal beliefs and views about sexuality, sexual practices, and gender orientation
- stereotypes based on gender, relationship values, or sexual orientation
- relationship resources and tips
- talk about that really awesome or really terrible date and why it worked/flopped
- talk about dating preferences and relationship preferences

[ryer]

I would like to ask a question which has bothered me for awhile but nobody has really given me a straight answer.
How do you know what sexuality you are? or more specifically, how can you tell between true attraction and mere fantasizing?
I wouldn't want to mistake one for the other and make a terrible mistake I would regret for the rest of my life.

[Satyr76]

I would like to ask a question which has bothered me for awhile but nobody has really given me a straight answer.
How do you know what sexuality you are? or more specifically, how can you tell between true attraction and mere fantasizing?
I wouldn't want to mistake one for the other and make a terrible mistake I would regret for the rest of my life.

I've always just known, I guess. I had just repressed the feelings for years until I could accept myself. I've been having crushes on both boys and girls since I was in kindergarten.
/probably didn't exactly answer question

What is 'demisexual?' I've heard it been used, but I never discovered the meaning.

I live in a homophobic community, but I plan on coming out to one of my friends. I don't know his views on homosexuality, but he's good to me, and I think he should know. Just one problem: He's straight, I have a crush on him. I've been really stressed about planning this, but I've decided I need to do it. Any advice?

[Niverdia]

What is 'demisexual?' I've heard it been used, but I never discovered the meaning.

A demisexual is someone who feels no sexual attraction whatsoever until they fall in love with someone, and their sexual attraction is limited only to the object of affection. Can be a problematic "orientation" both when dealing with sexuals (who may often think that the demisexual isn't really "into" them) and asexuals (towards whom demisexuals might feel more attraction than the asexual would welcome).

More info here.

I am straight as far as I know. I find women only aesthetically attractive (which would rate me ~0.5-1 on Kinsey scale, I guess), but don't want to have anything sexual to have with them. I've never been in a serious relationship (by serious I mean a relationship with some future outlook/planning etc.) and only lost my virginity last autumn when I was already 23 with a guy with whom I'd agreed to have only a casual relationship. Actually, I haven't seen him since that day. Should I feel awkward about not being upset about it apparently being a one-timer in the end? :tard: That probably shows that for me sex and love don't necessarily go hand in hand.

As far as serious relationships go, I don't think that it would be smart to get into one until I'm out of University and able to support myself (which might be a question of some years, still, since I live in a still economical crisis-ridden country), then again, this rationality might have to do with the fact that I've never had a reciprocated love experience in my life so far. "When there's a will, then there's a way", I guess?

[Soleil]

I am straight as far as I know. I find women only aesthetically attractive (which would rate me ~0.5-1 on Kinsey scale, I guess), but don't want to have anything sexual to have with them.

This is pretty much me. I consider myself more....straight than "bisexual" (which I have been called) because I do find women attractive, but not in a.. relationship/sexual sort of way. As you said, it's more an aesthetic attractive than actual sexual attraction. I'm more sexually attracted to men though, so I guess in a way I'm really more straight than anything.

How do you know what sexuality you are? or more specifically, how can you tell between true attraction and mere fantasizing?

For me, I just kind of know. I know I find women attractive but I'm not attracted to them, so I know that means I'm straight.
I really can't answer the second question though.. since it kind of blurs with me. My true attraction seems to... blend in together with my fantasizing. I think, though, with most people a real attraction would be pure feelings. You can fantasize about someone, but it's easy to forget about them. If it's a real attraction, they will be on your mind 24/7.

[GrowlingCupcake]

I wouldn't want to mistake one for the other and make a terrible mistake I would regret for the rest of my life.

I'm curious as to why it would be a terrible mistake and a regret? I used to think I was straight; never found it a regret or a mistake, just that I didn't realise I was not.

[ParaLLL]

Um... let's see; I'm not sure if I can be helpful at all, but hopefully I'll say something useful.

How do you know what sexuality you are? or more specifically, how can you tell between true attraction and mere fantasizing?

Personally, I don't think you ever can be 100% certain what your "true" sexuality is. There are several factors that are either known or suspected to influence just about anything to do with sex/desire/interest; even without those, I know I at least always have infinite 'what if...?' ideas running around my head so I can't ever be completely sure. Also, I agree that sexuality is a spectrum (actually, several spectrums), not just a set of options; any "sexuality" is trying to apply one definition to a range of opinions and interests and people, and as a result, while it could be completely accurate for some people, it's going to be at least a little off for most people.

That said, I don't really think it matters; I think of sexuality, or at least the words we use to categorize sexuality, as just being tools; they have nothing to do with who anyone is, they're just useful starting points to explain (as close as we can) who we are to other people, and find people who are similar to ourselves. So it doesn't really matter what word you use that much, so long as using that word is useful to you. Just don't let the word limit you; it shouldn't ever have any impact on who you are or who you think you are, or consider you might be.

As for attraction vs. fantasizing, I think the biggest difference is that fantasizing is something you do, either because you think the person/people you're fantasizing about are attractive, or because you're trying to figure out if you think they are. Attraction is something you feel, and not something you can really control, though you could probably ignore or deny it. (Of course all this is really simplified; I'm sure there are at least some people who can influence, if not fully control, who they find attractive.) I have a somewhat odd and probably incomplete perspective on it too, so don't take this as absolute truth, but hopefully it'll be helpful.

I wouldn't want to mistake one for the other and make a terrible mistake I would regret for the rest of my life.

I'll add here that I find it extremely unlikely that you'll regret for long at all, much less the rest of your life; don't worry about it. If you decide something and then decide something else later, so what? Most people I know have done that, and none of them regret it, nor do I for that matter.

[ryer]

Thanks for the informative answers everyone.

I wouldn't want to mistake one for the other and make a terrible mistake I would regret for the rest of my life.

This seems to be upsetting a lot of people. So okay I may have been exaggerating a little. But let me clarify, I meant fantasizing/true attraction and not the former sentence. If I took fantasizing for true attraction or vice versa I meant I would probably embarrass myself very badly or regret not having talked to that one person that time, etc. Maybe or probably it's just me, but I take a very long time to get over something (guilt/shame/embarassment/regret or a hurtful word a stranger said to me, etc) But I digress..

I definitely agree with just exploring and not having to stick to labels, but sometimes I'm afraid other people won't know I'm open to things because I don't know, then I may never get a chance to know. That's all
A stupid fear? Maybe, I have a lot of stupid fears.

[ParaLLL]

Well, I at least wasn't offended; if anything I was sort of worried that you'd... I don't know, stress too much over this, or something. Anyway, not offended.


Well, even if you do know, how would they? Unless you make a list of everything you're open to, and turn it into either a shirt or some kind of sign, you knowing won't necessarily affect whether anyone else knows. And it's not like everyone needs to know; if someone does, you can tell them. (Or, be awkward like me and "accidentally" leave a book laying around/site open/whatever. Though that does come with more risk of them not noticing.) Um... I could probably say more, but I'm not sure exactly what things you're referring to or why you think it would be a problem for someone not to know you're open to them, so I'm just going to stop in order to avoid assuming something wrong.

[Soundwave]

Is asexuality a recognises sexuality, and how do you tell that you are one?

I find men attractive, but the idea of sex is disgusting to me; I admire women in the same way that you might admire a statue or a painting. No desire in that. The men I tend to be attracted to are either not real- yeah, I crush on men from books and manga- or not people I know. Men I pass in the street, in other words. But I don't find any of the men I know attractive enough to date or sleep with. Again, I find the idea of having his thingy in my body makes me feel physically sick. Even kissing is a no-no. The root of this may be in my Asperger's and my hate of physically contact. Am I asexual or just a bit strange?