MagiStream

A long Time ago, the African Savannah was overcrowding. It was full of predators with very little prey, the kits of lion's, cheetah's and leopard's were starving, but they did no longer like there jungle home they were thick with knotted grass, because there was no one to eat them it their paws were scratched by it. There was a ongoing drought so the water was Little. They didn't know what to do, but one did she went to the leader of the pride and spoke "We must move out of here we are starving , the grass hurts our paws and the water is few" but he replied "We are not starving we have enough water and the grass is fine and besides where are we supposed to go the , The valley Beyond the hills? you are excused" "but" she tried to reply "Excused" he said "and that is final" she walked out enraged "that leader has always been selfish" she thought to herself "and he won't do the right thing i will do it myself" that night she Gathered all of the lionesses of the pride and told them, "We are starving are are Foolish leader is too Selfish to care , I am running away to the valley beyond the hills Who is with me?" "I am" said another lioness "Me too" said another this went on until everyone agreed They were fleeing to the mountains.

A couple days later, in the dead of night they snuck away and took there kits with them, She herself had very young kits they were so small. They were Tiny so sometimes she carried them onto her back. They walked for days they ate whatever they could find.When they could feast on mountain goat they knew they were close to their future home, the lions trekked day and night they only stopped to eat or sleep no one fell but they knew they were weak.For once they stopped to rest in a cave, and some decided to stay there.The lioness did not believe that. The rest traveled for weeks until the north winds were so strong the kits were close to death once more however, The lioness's were the Shivering and the rocks were so steep they couldn't climb anymore then as they huddled together the wind blew stronger and she couldn't go on "they would need wings" she thought "to survive up here" so with frost coating her fur she prayed to the The great one she began her prayer "Earth Mother ,Birth Giver my kits are dying Save them I beg you oh Merciful one save them and me Please tis my Dying wish for them to Thrive"

Then She dreamed that a golden eagle was talking to her saying " Do not Fear Brave one, Your Young Shall be saved now your and theirs Spirit will soar like eagles" when she woke she thought she had died for She felt Stronger and Lighter and she could no longer feel the harsh wind.When she spoke it sounded like a birdsong "This Had to be The time before" she thought how else could this be so perfect, until she heard a small chirp from under her she looked down to see a lions body with an eagles Head and wings it Cirped and she could understand it, but then she got up and looked around, She Saw the Mythical Valley with a Crystal spring, a waterfall, some small ponds, lots of caves and lots of prey too.She turned to her Comrades and looked at them they had also become The Lion-Eagle Creatures. Surprised She Jumped Down and she felt wind under her feathers "Feathers?!?" she thought she felt like she was soaring when she landed she looked at herself in the still, still water she had also become a creature similar to those of her comrades except she had a Symbol on her forehead in black feathers.It Read "Brave Leader", The Great one had saved her and the rest she sat in prayer once more thanking him for his Mercy.






So what do you think?

i don't think its good enough

Please put in some interpunctation and paragraphs. Without any pauses, this is extremely hard to read.

I just did

You left out a lot of commas. It's really hard to read and understand. I'd suggest going over it a few times by yourself and getting these things in line first. ^^

I did

Still left out a lot.
Example - everything in light blue was added in:
"I am," said another lioness.
"Me too." said another.This went on until everyone agreed."

There should be a new line whenever the speaker's change.
Also,

cyberus151 wrote:A long Time ago The African Savannah was Overcrowding...

You have a lot of random capitals. A long time ago, the African Savannah was overcrowding...

thank you for your opinions but i am leaving for a week and will have little or no internet so i can not correct them can i have some opinions of the story instead of punction lessons ? Bye Have a nice Day ^-^

Actually it is very difficult to comment on the story if you can't really read it for lack of punctuation. A sentence that goes on for ten lines is almost incomprehensible.

Morgaln wrote:Actually it is very difficult to comment on the story if you can't really read it for lack of punctuation. A sentence that goes on for ten lines is almost incomprehensible.

Exactly. Since help is unappreciated, I won't post suggestions anymore.